My Tinder Adventure
As I enter my mid 30’s I’m beginning to see the various types of men around me. As always, there are friends, coworkers, boyfriends and exs, as well as the “date worthy” and oh-so-millennial ‘fuck boys’, but more recently I’ve discovered a new breed of man: The Lover. Who is the “Lover”? And Which type of man is best for said role?
As Carrie Borzillo writes in ‘How to Take A Lover’, “Well, it’s not a one-night stand or a booty call or a friend with benefits. And it is not necessarily, at least in my case, short-lived. I’m talking about this beautiful romantic space that lies between being in a committed relationship and being promiscuous.
“As you know, while I date a LOT, I don’t meet many men who I actually want to go to bed with. This is for various reasons, but means that when I do find a man I like to sleep with I try to keep them around for a while. This doesn’t always work. A recent fellow I had been seeing, had a meltdown of epic proportions one night over when it meant to see the same woman every weekend for a few months (apparently it meant we were too committed). But if commitment isn’t on the table, then what is a girl to do when she doesn’t really want to sleep around (and besides isn’t that interested in very many men) But does want sex on the regular?
“Oh I have an Actor”. A friend of mine who works in the film business told me. “If he wants to see me, or I want to see him, he sends a car and I go over to his place to fuck.” I was intrigued, “Do you want to date him” I asked. She then explained she didn’t want to, he wasn’t the commitment type, she didn’t really want to live with him, but she liked how compatible they were in bed, so a few times a month they see each-other for a date and sex. “It’s GREAT” she emphasized.
This Fall I stumbled into a similar situation. If you remember Chicago guy from a few months back, you will recall that I opted to go home with him over a perfect-on-paper fellow because I liked the way he talked to me. Also he had BEAUTIFUL muscles and the voice that could melt butter. He came back to NY for this season and we started running into each other in the neighborhood. When friends asked about him all I could really say was:
One night over drinks I was telling Chicago about a situation at work that had me down, “That seems like a rough day” he said sympathetically leaning towards me ‘Would you like some stress relief.” I paused “What kind were you thinking?” I asked. He grinned, leaning in and slowly kissed me. This swiftly became our code word for “lets get it on”. “I am in desperate need of some stress relief”, I’d say, or more often text and magically, he would appear an hour or two later to take care of all my sexual needs.
We initially had some issues around boundaries that resulted in a few heated exchanges, but after one such, where we both clarified that we didn’t want to date one another, we just really like the way we worked together in the bedroom…it became rather simple. We both dated other people, we both sometimes slept with other people, and we didn’t get in one another’s way. But, we were respectful and considerate and took care of each other in the moment.
That is one of the things I found deeply satisfying. After a slew of men who I had one night stands with that were either unsatisfying sexually or left me feeling like they hadn’t listened to a word I said (More on those later), I felt it a relief to go to bed with someone who listened to what I like in bed, who didn’t try to push my boundaries past what I am comfortable with (Chicago and I actually have very similar styles in the bedroom which makes this easy), who I could have a conversation with before or after. In NY there are always men who try to move too fast or make a woman feel like an object, and with Chicago, that was never an issue.
Most lovers, are not meant to last, but to be a pleasant interlude and after about 6 months Chicago and I are no more (more on that later). But the ending was neither upsetting or unexpected. These kinds of things can’t last forever. The result however is that I’m more open to the idea of keeping a lover. Now, while I wait to find the right fellow, I’ll perhaps be more open to the idea of a casual partner in my bed. A lover who’s happy to keep a lady satisfied. How hot is that?